Today I felt alone. Not necessarily stronger, not necessarily more free, not necessarily happier, not necessarily wiser. Yet it’s a different feeling altogether from the loneliness in the past…
Do I regret? I guess not. It hurts though, the disappointment really does. I started out an impressionable romantic, I gave my heart away to a good guy, who I believed will take care of me for life. I was in good hands. Things didn’t always go smoothly, a relationship isn’t those whirlwind romance depicted in dramas, nor in novels. It was an emotional roller coaster ride I did not expect. I’ve never loved someone so deeply before… and I wanted with all my heart, to be with him, and hold his hand as we both grew old.
Being rookies in relationships, we didn’t know what to expect, and we had many fumbles at the start. It was definitely rocky…we were unsure, we were young, but we were in love (though he sometimes didn’t know how to show it). I guess I expected too much from him, yet for anyone else, I had the lowest of expectations. In spite of it all, persevered we did. I saw him through army, many times with a heart break, a heart ache when I watch him wave goodbye to me. A heart ache at being separated from him. I told him that before but I’m not sure if he understands, all many tears I shed on the way home rewinding the image of him saying goodbye.
We never celebrated our first year anniversary, we had frequent miscomms. It was serious enough to prompt a break up. Being in a first relationship, a first year anniversary was a fairy tale to me… yet I guess I wasn’t as important as a Frisbee game, nor his Frisbee friends. I can’t say how sad I was… I remember the hurt now, it hurt so much, my heart ached so badly for him. Yet, because he had always been humji, always been pessimistic, he would never try again, he would never ask to try again. Hate his guts, and in the end, even though he let me down, I put down all my pride and begged him to give us another chance. Yet I told him, if we ever break up again, I will never ask him to patch up with me again…
After another year and five months of a tumultuous relationship, I gave in, or rather, I gave up. I was so very tired, if he only saw it. Perhaps he was even more tired than me, I don’t know. Yet I got sick of his apologies, I didn’t believe how anyone could keep on doing the same stupid things over and over again. Even though he claims we have a lot of happy times, we never ever resolved our biggest issue: Frisbee. I think I gave my all in this relationship. I picked up Frisbee, I played with him, I got scolded by him, I got scolded by his friends, I got neglected by him… all in the name of Frisbee. I shed many tears when I’m in SMU Ultimate… and how did he help? He didn’t, he couldn’t comfort me, he didn’t know how alone I was… all because I knew how much he wanted to play Frisbee, and I knew that if I gave up Frisbee, I would have nothing with him.
I pressed on, for 1 year 5 months later, just to realize that the guy I’ve been with, the guy I’ve loved. He never changed, not since that first year anniversary. He continued doing his stupid things, he didn’t become more sensitive. He did become more gentlemanly though, but he let me down too many times. He hurt me more than he ever knew. When there was to be an ultimatum, he used my words against me. He told me, giving up Frisbee will not make him happy. Then I wondered, is giving me up a better option than giving Frisbee up. Till today, he hasn’t even fought for our relationship, fight to get me back. I guess I made the right choice to initiate the break up. He couldn’t protect me from his screwed up friends, he couldn’t protect me from himself, he could no longer shower me with love, care and comfort. I did not feel the security from him, because underneath there will always be tension. He told me the problem lies with him, not Frisbee. So I should not expect him to give up his passion… I guess he thought if I loved him, I should not be asking that of him. I should be able to accept him for who he is. How can I? How can I accept his mistakes, when he himself finds them unacceptable? How will I know he can be better, if he doesn’t attempt to make any sacrifices for this relationship? Even if the problem lies with him, he never did tell me how he’s willing to make things better. He’s stubborn, he’s a defeatist, and he’s impossible to be around.
I stayed with him for 2 years 5 months. I love him so. But I’m tired, so very tired. A relationship is about tolerance, I get that. When the tolerance only comes from one side, something is wrong. When he’s useless when I’m upset, something is very wrong. When he can’t prioritise our relationship above a hobby of his, something is very wrong with me. I thought I knew better.
I guess I was wrong. He’s still a kid, and he wasn’t the selfless guy I always dreamt he was.
:D:D
